Legolas Goes to Prison
by MzCasWinchester69
Summary: The Unfortunate Incident in the Shower. Legolas finds true love in prison, but can he survive long enough in an envorionment of violence and gang warfare?


Legolas was walking into jail or prison, whichever one is worse. It was max security where all the crazy cereal killers go. And all the rapists. Legolas was in jail because he was accused of stealing some gay berries from this kid in the forest who had a blond fauxhawk. But that's another story. This is the story of Legolas goes to prison: the unfortunate incident in the shower.

Legolas was very nervous about going to jail. He had heard stories about what happened in prison. He heard that there were "Bitches" which confused him because it was an all male jail.

"Oh no" thought Legolas out loud "what will happen to me when we have to shower? I am very uncomfortable with my body especially this is a prison for only humans and I am an elf and I totes waxed my everything yesterday, what will my roommates think?" Legolas had a very unfortunate habit of speaking out loud, and stating the obvious.

Legolas went to meet his roommate. The guard threw him into the room and slammed the door.

"Hello, I am Legolas" said Legolas to the lump sitting on the bed.

"Stupid elf." Said the lump. "I am Igormopalous. I HATE elves. I am in jail for slapping an elf to death with my beard." Igomopalous had a very thick and dreadlocky beard. In fact it was comprised of one very thick, very dirty, very long, very intimidating dreadlock that made Legolas very self conscious about his own non beard. "What are you in for?" Igomopalous asked.

"Stealing gayberries." said Legolas "shoot I shouldn't have said that now my roommate will think I am a homosexual." Legolas frowned as he realized that he had spoken out loud.

"GAYberries?" Yelled Igormopalous. "I'm out of here!" and then he walked out of the room. But when Legolas tried to follow he saw the door was locked.

"Oh no the door is locked." he said, out loud. "Now I am stuck in here by myself" he then drew a frownie face on the cell wall with his silver elf tears.

"Legolas," cried a voice from the other side of the wall, "Is that of you?"

"I forgot," said Legolas, "that there are more than one cell in prisons! There must someone on the other side of this wall, in their own cell, and this someone must know my name! Hello, other prisoner, who are you?"

"Legolas, it is I, Celebras, your pal from primary school!" cried the voice.

"Curses," said Legolas, "I hated Celebras. His hair was dirty and knotted and his face reminded me of a Warg." Celebras didn't respond immediately, so Legolas said, "Thank goodness that elf didn't talk because his voice sounds horrible and I wish I were not placed in the cell that is directly next to him."

Celebras's grumbling voice came from through the wall: "That idiot elf Legolas. How dare he insult me? And I was a good friend to him! We went swimming all the time in that one river in that other forest. All the Time. I shall concoct a plan to have him punished for what he has done to me! It is a good thing that I have made lots of friends here at this prison jail. That way, I can get them to get together and... Well, I have not yet figured out that part, but I am sure I will soon!"

Legolas gasped and grew worried. "Oh no," he said, "I ought to better watch out or I might get got by Celebras and his goons."

"Oh no, I think Legolas is on to me," said Celebras.

"He knows I know!" gasped Legolas.

"He knows I know he knows!"

"He knows I know he knows I know!"

The two elves were interrupted by a voice on the intercom that informed them that it would soon be meal time, soon followed by playtime in the yard where they would lift weights and make license plates and stuff.

"This must mean that it's nearly time eat!" exclaimed the elves at the same time.

"Yay I love to eat!" said Legolas. "If I don't eat my tummy hurts and then I die if I don't eat for long enough."

"Omg me tooooo!" said Celebras.

Soon it was lunch. After lunch would come play time.

"I don't like Salisbury steak" Said an inmate who was sitting behind Legolas.

"I like all types of meat." said Legolas. "Oh no I should not have said that now the other inmates will think that I am a homosexual." Since Legolas said this out loud it brought a lot more attention to his statement than would have been attentive to his statement because of the second statement about homosexualness.

"Do you WANT to be a prison bitch?" asked another inmate. This one was very tall, very human and his pants were very much falling down.

"Oh noees" said Legolas. "I of course don't want to be turned into a girl!" unfortunately for him this gave the other inmates ideas. Especially after dessert which was Popsicles. Legolas devoured his and finished it saying:

"I love to suck on cylindrical objects it makes me feel safe and happy" in front of all the other inmates. It also didn't help that right when he went to go to the Yard where the license plates were made and the weights were lifted he could hardly lift any weight and had to use a very large, very black shake weight.

After recess, Legolas was very sweaty and tired and wanted a shower. "I am sweaty and tired and I want a shower," he said, "I hope it is shower time because I want to be clean. I love being clean. Oh no," he said, "now all the other inmates will think I am a homosexual because I like being clean!"

The other inmates, who had not actually thought this until just now, turned to stare at Legolas. However it was done being recess time so the guards led the inmates back into the jail prison in a nice straight line like second graders in elementary school. All of the guards were very ugly except for one, she was quite beautiful. Her hair was shiny and long and blond and Legolas thought she looked like an elf because she carried herself with ethereality.

"I will skip ahead all of these inmates in line so I can talk to that gorgeous glorious ethereal prison guard," said Legolas, and he proceeded to do so. The other inmates were not happy with this, as they all thought that the warden was very pretty, even the hardcore gays. "Hello he said to the warden, my name is Legolas and you are beautiful and I don't think I deserve to be here with all the other fugly bad men."

The warden laughed, she really was beautiful, and said nothing and pushed Legolas back into line and Legolas saw that her nameplate read Michelle. What a beautiful name, thought Legolas. "Michelle is a really pretty name," said Legolas.

The prisoners were herded into the prison jail's locker-room for bad people and they were all instructed to take their clothes off. The wardens lined up along the wall to watch.

"I dislike getting undressed in front of others because even though I have a beautiful body I don't like people who I don't know to look upon me," said Legolas. "Oh no now I sound like a whiny Bitch I do not wish to be a woman I hope the other prisoners haven't noticed that I sound like a whiny Bitch."

From across the room, Celebras said, "I am so happy that my fellow fugly prisoners think that Legolas sounds like a whiny Bitch and is a homosexual!"

Unfortunately for Celebras this brought the gangstas attention to him and his equally elf-y and therefore homosexual appearance. Especially because it was time to pick up the soap. Legolas knew that soap had a special significance in prison and had therefore brought his own from home. It was Herbal Essence rainbow magic all the fruits together flavor (it even tasted good).

"Would you like to borrow my soap" Legolas asked the room in general. He figured by offering he would stop the others from getting him to drop it.

"Why would I want yo girly soap?" asked some muscle bound scary scary inmate.

"Erm... girly?" asked Legolas. This worried him. He didn't think delicious soap would hurt him in prison, but everything seemed to be working against him today.

"Oh god. Please don't think I am a homosexual!" said Legolas. Aloud. Some inmates were staring at him. But before he could say anything else, the wardens hurried them off into the shower room and for some reason the guards had changed into bathing suits and they all looked super gross except for Michelle who was sexy and was wearing a G-string bikini with polka dots and a gun holster strapped to her thigh.

"Shower time bitches!" shouted the main prison guard! He turned on the showers.

"I am not a bitch!" shouted Legolas, "I am a man with pretty hair and a sensitive body and I bruise easily but I am a man and I know how to handle swords well!"

The head guard brutally beat Legolas around the head and it was mean of him but Legolas was not injured because he was a super strong elf. "Be quiet, elf-boy, and get cleaned! The tax payers pay not for you to be talking while the water bill creeps higher!"

"I am ashamed," said Legolas, ashamed, "And I will continue to wash my body in silence." And so Legolas grabbed his special soap and a dirty old washrag and began to clean himself. "This washrag is dirty and old but I will put up with it because surely it will teach me the lesson that I am supposed to learn while I stay at this prison jail."

The other inmates ignored him because they were fugly and mean and actually the elf, while very beautiful in every way, had a very grating voice. They wish he had never stolen those damned gay berries. Sadly, Legolas soaped up his washrag and began to drag it across his beautiful porcelain skin but when he realized that the washrag was getting his skin dirtier rather than cleaner he tossed it aside saying "This washrag is too dirty to get me clean" and just used the bar of soap on his skin.

All was going well until Legolas dropped the soap. He watched in dismay as it bounced against the shower floor and slid towards the drain in the very middle of the shower room.

"I have dropped the soap!" declared Legolas loudly. Some of the fugly inmates turned to look at him in interest. Legolas gasped. "Oh no, I have announced that I have dropped the soap so loudly that the inmates know that I have dropped the soap!" By now, all of the fugly inmates were looking at him in interest. "Oh no!" Legolas cried, "Now ALL the fugly inmates know that I have dropped the soap!"

Legolas looked at the fallen soap sadly.

"I will now have to bend over, exposing myself and my vulnerability, to retrieve my soap," he said. Loudly.

By now the other inmates were very, very interested. Legolas slowly slowly leaned over to get his soap. It was in the very dirty drain. He paused to consider picking up the dirty soap.

"This soap is very dirty. Is it worth picking up?" he wondered aloud. He remained sitting there, his backside in the air, waiving pertly from side to side as he considered.

"I should decide quickly and put my bottom down so the other inmates do not think I am asking to be made into a bitch. I should not have said that aloud. That may have been considered to be an invitation!"

By now all the other mean inmates had given up on showering and had surrounded poor beautiful Legolas. They were inspecting his glorious shining backside. (It was almost (well almost almost) as good as Michelle's (which was revealed by her amazing crystal covered thong designed polka dot bikini that she was wearing to facilitate the shower.)

"DAYMMM DAT ASS" said one of the inmates

"DAYMMM" said another.

"Oh my they like my backside." said Legolas. Feeling flattered. He still had not decided if he would pick up the soap.

"I wonder if I should pick up the soap?"

"DAYMMMM" said another inmate. This one was slightly less ugly than the others. But still pretty ugly. He reached forward. And TOUCHED Legolas.

"OMG you touched me!" said Legolas. Loudly.

"Yup I did" said the inmate. Just when the inmate was going to do something of questionable morals. Another inmate entered the showers. He was beautiful. Well not beautiful. Perfect. A perfect mix of all the best qualities and sexiness of Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law, Bradley James, James Franco, Skandar Keynes, Robert Sean Leonard, Martin Freeman, Tom Felton, Karl Urban, Anton Yelchin, Jared Leto, Matthew Lewis, Dylan O'Brien, Alexander Skarsgaard, Douggie Poynter, David Hallberg, Taylor Kitch, Ivan Vasiliev, and Alex Pettyfer. Basically the best man ever. Legolas didn't know what to do. So he picked up the soap. Rinsed it off. And stuck the whole thing in his mouth.

"DAT SOAPPP" said one of the inmates.

"Hello Legolas," said the very beautiful man. He had freckles but not too many freckles, and his eyes shone with wisdom and mischief and sympathy and interest and lust.

Legolas said as much. It was quite a feat, considering the soap was still in his mouth.

The man laughed, and all of the other inmates were very jealous that they couldn't sound that sexy when they laughed. "You are very kind, my darling Legolas. Do you know who I am and why I am here?"

Legolas did not, "No," he said. It was the shortest sentence he had ever uttered.

The man sauntered up to him-"You're very naked," said Legolas, and the man said, "I know"-and took the elf lovingly into his arms. "Legolas," he said, "I am your long lost fiancé and my manhood has gone hard as a mast for you."

"I know, and I can feel it," said Legolas, because he could. "But that doesn't explain why you're here."

"Doesn't it?"

"No!" shouted one of the fugly inmates. They were, by now, quite entranced by the soap opera-esque drama going down in the center of the shower room.

"Oh." The beautiful, perfect, aroused man looked befuddled. "Well, I stormed this castle to free you from the clutches of the beautiful sorceress Michelle. I killed many a man, thousands of hundreds, in fact, but it all seemed in vain. Then I was captured and I thought for sure I would never see you again! But fate was on my side for I was sentenced to life in prison; this very prison where you were being kept! And now, here I am!"

The fugly inmates and fugly wardens alike went "Aaawwwww" loudly except for Michelle, who had snuck out of the room and one especially fugtastic inmate who shouted, "TAKE HIM NOW!"

Legolas spit out his soap.

"Okay" said the handsome man he grabbed Legolas by the hips and was about to ravage the poor elf when magically, or rather not so magically the elf regained his powers of speech.

"Ohh ho ho not so fast young man" He had adapted a sassy black woman voice. Not unlike a sassy black woman watching twilight and frowning at Bella and Edward making out in Bella's awkwardly tiny bed in the first movie cause that was the best one.

"But dude we are like totes married."

This was legit because the prison was in the north where the homosexuals can get married.

"BUTtttt" said Legolas. The inmates laughed. Except little Bobby Jim because well, he was being violated, rather forcefully, by a rather large slab of manmeat.

"Have you seen the hunger games?" asked Michelle of Bobby Jim she didn't know why the sight reminded her of the book/movie but it did.

"Uhhh" said Bobby Jim. Michelle shrugged and turned back to the real action.

"Sooo... about that, are you gonna, you know, like do it?" she didn't wanna be crude so, she didn't use the f-bomb (the f-bomb is fuck if you didn't know)

"I don't want it to hurtttt" said Legolas. He began to cry huge heaving manly sobs, this was unfortunate. But it also made the other inmates feel uncomfortable so they quickly finished their showers, all except Bobby Jim and his "special friend".

"OWWWWW stoppp" said Bobby Jim. (His friend had gotten shampoo in his eye when he was washing it for him yah pervs heee) but soon they were gone too leaving only Michelle and Legolas and His Fiancé.

"Oh my what shall we do now?" asked Michelle. She untied her bikini top. Then tied it tighter so she would be ready for any action (ya pervs heee) she then make sure her gun was still loaded. She didn't want to shoot any blanks that would be totally embarrassing. Like for reals. Then she realized oh noooes Legolas and the hot man were goneeee.

The two elves had scampered off to Legolas's cave-like cell. It had glass windows and walls and doors and hinges, so the guards could look in on their prisoners to make sure they weren't murdering each other or playing poker or making tattoo guns out of electric toothbrushes because those things had happened a lot and electric teethbrush were expensive. The glass was very thick but not soundproof because sometimes people said things that other people wanted to hear, and if the glass was soundproof, they wouldn't able to hear.

"Legolas," said the handsome man, "I have missed you my lover."

"I don't know who you are but you are handsome so I will trust you because you seem trustworthy and I am an excellent judgementator of character."

"I'm sure you are."

"I am. Really. Like that Boromir fellow I didn't trust him because he was a man and he was corrupt and he wanted the ring - it was the one ring to rule them all and stuff - and he had no honor he wasn't a Stark, and Starks have honor, and I knew all this because I am a very good judgementator of character."

"I have missed you. My love sausage has missed you."

Michelle pressed herself against the window walls of the cell, still in her form flattering bikini. Her breastestes were plastered against the glass tastefully and she was still wet from the shower. The elfs noticed this because Michelle was a very beautiful woman and they were aroused by this so they began kissing each other.

Then Legolas's cell mate showed up.


End file.
